In the past half of my life, memories have gone with time like flowing water. Those happy and happy days have not left a deep mark, while those sad and sad days have been pouring into my heart……

在我這半生中，記憶如流水一般隨時(shí)光消逝，曾經(jīng)那些愉快和幸福的日子并沒有留下過深的印記，而那些酸楚和悲傷的歲月，卻不斷涌上心頭……

It was a morning in the late autumn of 1960. The sky was as clear as in today's fine weather. The warm sunshine was pouring into our low room through the window paper scratched by the neighbor's cock.

那是一九六零年深秋的一個(gè)上午。天空，也和現(xiàn)在的好天氣時(shí)一樣晴朗，和煦的陽光透過被鄰家公雞抓破了的窗紙，傾灑在我們那低矮的屋子里。

The adults were busy. My father went to the city early in the morning to buy medicine, and my grandmother was pulling the bellows to cook in the outer room. My younger sister and brothers had long been sent to my aunt's home in a mountain village.

大人們都在忙活著。父親一大早就進(jìn)城抓藥去了，姥娘在外間“呱噠”、“呱噠”地拉著風(fēng)箱。弟弟、妹妹們?cè)缇捅凰偷缴嚼锏囊棠讣仪笊啡チ恕?/p>

I curled up beside my mother, who had been ill for three months.

我蜷縮起身子，躺在病了仨月的母親身旁。

Suddenly, my mother blinked her dull eyes and tried hard to raise her bony hand to me. I leaned forward so that she could reach my long shaggy hair.  

突然，母親眨了一下她那黯淡無神的大眼睛，費(fèi)勁地朝我舉起了瘦骨嶙峋的手。我趕緊向前探了探身子，以使她夠得著我那三、四個(gè)月沒剃的蓬亂的頭發(fā)。

"My child, when I die, you might find a stepmother. You should take good care of your younger sister and brothers."

“孩子，等我死了，你再找個(gè)后娘，要好好照看你的弟弟、妹妹。”

"Mom, no - no! Just now grandma said that you had been better than in the previous two days." At that time, I was pretty sensible, because I was already nine years old.

“娘，不——不！姥娘剛才還說你比前兩天好些了。”那時(shí)候，已經(jīng)9歲的我應(yīng)當(dāng)說比較懂事了。

I heard that my mother was suffering from heartache in the year of steelmaking. My aunt said that my mother was made angry and ill by a distant grandmother who talked nonsense. Grandma said it was because the village cadres smashed our pot with the weights. What was it for? I didn't know. But once in a while, my mother got sick. In the past, I used to see that the doctor came to our home and wrote one or two prescriptions. It had not been as serious as it was now. My mother was not getting better in the past three months.

聽大人們說，母親是大煉鋼鐵那年得上的心口痛病。姨母說是讓我的一個(gè)愛嚼舌頭的遠(yuǎn)房祖母氣的，姥娘卻說是因?yàn)榇甯刹空チ顺禹仍宜榱宋覀兊腻?。到底是為了啥？我搞不清楚。但每隔一段時(shí)間，母親就要犯病。以往都是瞧瞧醫(yī)生，再抓上兩副藥，哪回兒都沒現(xiàn)在這么嚴(yán)重，三個(gè)多月了，怎么也不見好。

"Granny was kidding you." I felt as if my mother was stroking my head with all her strength, saying, "I can't live for a few more days."

“姥娘是說著哄人的?！蔽矣X得母親仿佛在使出全身的力氣撫摸我的腦殼，“我是活不了幾天了?！?/p>

Tears could no longer stop spilling over from my eyes. And I plunged into my mother's arms, sobbing heavily.

淚水再也止不住地溢出雙眼，我一頭扎進(jìn)母親懷里，“嗚嗚”地哭了起來。

"You see, what did you say to the child?" Grandma lifted the curtain and went into the inner room, blaming my mother. I saw my grandma with tears in her eyes.

“你看呢，都跟孩子說了些啥呀！”姥娘掀開門簾，走進(jìn)里屋，嗔怪母親。我看到老人家也是眼淚包著眼珠。

"Mom, you’ll have to be alive. When you get well, you'll have to bring up my younger sister and brothers. I will be filial to you when I grow up!" I raised my tearful face and begged my feeble mother.

“娘，你得活呀，等好了病，拉扯俺子妹們。我長大了，一定好好孝順您！”我抬起掛滿淚水的臉，懇求著有氣無力的母親。

"Look, the child has said that. Can't you say something auspicious?" Grandma followed what I said to help.

“孩子都這么說了，你就不能說句吉利的？”姥娘緊隨著我打幫腔。

"Well, I'll be cured. His father said that there was ginseng in the medicine he was going to get this time." There was a little smile on my mother's gloomy face for the first time within many days.

“唉，我會(huì)治好的，他大（爸）說這回要取的藥里還附著參呢?！蹦赣H那多日來一直陰郁著的臉上露出了一點(diǎn)點(diǎn)的笑意來。

"Mom, what would you like to eat? " I was so happy that I didn't know what to do. Thus I said that.

“娘，你想吃什么？”我一時(shí)高興得不知如何是好，竟然冒出了這么一句。

Grandma gently tugged at the bottom of my trousers. I turned around and saw that she winked at me twice secretly. Then I suddenly remembered that she had just told me not to talk to my mother about food until my father came back.

姥娘輕輕地拽了一下我的褲腳。我轉(zhuǎn)過臉，看到她偷偷地朝我眨巴了兩下眼皮，這才猛地記起，剛才她囑咐過我，父親回來之前，不能向娘談吃的。

“……”

“……”

"Oh, what would you like to eat? There are carrots in the pot. And his father can bring back some sweet potato slices later. " . Thanks to grandma's quick answer……

“喔，你想吃什么？鍋里煮著胡蘿卜，他大（爸）待會(huì)兒還能帶點(diǎn)地瓜干回來?！碧澋美涯镌掝^來得快。

——Huh? Carrot?

——呃？胡蘿卜？

Oh, my God! Where are the carrots? What's the matter with grandma? In the pot were steamed only a few  Wowotou with sweet potato seedlings mixed with rice bran. After ignition, she asked me to help pull the bellows for a while.

天呀！哪里來的胡蘿卜？姥娘這都是咋了？鍋里只蒸了幾個(gè)地瓜秧面拌谷糠的窩窩頭，下鍋時(shí)，她還叫我?guī)椭艘魂囎语L(fēng)箱。

"No - no! Don't buy sweet potato slices. His father has only a little bit of money. He has to buy medicine." Those sweet potato slices cost six Yuan half a kilo in the market. And they are out of stock. Mother was a little nervous.

“別……別買地瓜干，就那么兩塊錢，得抓藥?！奔系毓细闪鶋K錢一斤，還愣搶。母親有些緊張了。

"Then, what do you want to eat? Mom.”

“那，娘吃什么呢？”

"I……I'll eat what? Oh …… my boy, go and get a carrot for me."

“我……我吃，孩子，你去拿個(gè)胡蘿卜吧?！?/p>

“……” I looked at grandma and felt I didn't know what to say.

“……”我茫然無措地望著姥娘。

"Just a moment. It's not cooked enough." Grandma stalled Mother off quickly. I saw that Grandma looked so guilty.

“稍等等，才開鍋，還不透?！崩涯镖s緊搪塞。我看到老人家的神色是那樣負(fù)疚。

"Oh, don't bring it. I don't want to eat anything." Mother seemed to have noticed something.

“哦，別拿了，我不想吃了?！蹦赣H好像已經(jīng)察覺到了什么。

"No! Mom, wait. I'll come back in a moment.” I suddenly thought of something. I took my Mom's hand off my head. I got off the Kang.

“不！娘，你等著，一會(huì)兒就來！”我若有所悟地挪開母親的手，下了炕。

Grandma grabbed me by the sleeve and gave me a puzzled look. I pointed to the outside of gate, but my mother didn't see it.

姥娘拽住我的袖口，投來一個(gè)不解的目光。我背著母親，指了指大門外……

"Filial child." There was a faint voice of grandma's words in the room.

“孝順的孩子?！蔽堇镫[隱約約傳出了姥娘的話語聲。

The warm sun shone on the Lazy Earth. There were several poplar trees along the road at the head of the village, with only a few remaining leaves on top, which had been eaten into cobwebs by the caterpillars. Two elm trees grew near the cemetery to the west of the road, but they had long since dried up and died, just because they had been skinned by hungry farmers. With their skin protected by sharp spines, a few young locust trees among the graveyards grew vigorously. But all of their leaves had been lost. If you eat the leaves of the locust tree, your face will be swollen like a big red king. But it is better than those who died of eating the Guanyin clay.

暖烘烘的太陽照耀著懶洋洋的大地。村口路旁幾棵毛白楊樹梢上，飄蕩著幾片被毛毛蟲吃成蛛網(wǎng)狀的殘葉。路西面墳場(chǎng)邊上僅有的兩株榆錢樹，因?yàn)榘侨チ似?，早就枯死了。十多個(gè)墳疙瘩中間的那幾糊岔洋槐枝，由于尖刺護(hù)住了皮膚，長得倒蠻帶勁兒，只是它們的葉子都無例外地失掉了。雖說這洋槐葉吃下去，人的臉便會(huì)腫得像個(gè)關(guān)王，但也要比那些吃觀音土后墜肚而死的人強(qiáng)得多。

I ran fast through the graveyard and came to the edge of the production team's vegetable garden.

我心里像著了火一樣跑過了那片墳場(chǎng)，來到了生產(chǎn)隊(duì)菜園邊上。

The vegetables garden was about 100 Mu. Two years before, it looked like a lush green blanket from a distance in autumn. There were so many purple lentils, prickly cucumbers, ripe potatoes, etc. There were also leeks, corianders and Chinese cabbages which were going to face the frost cold. Not only that. There were also the tender branches of tomatoes and the young shoots of radishes which were baked in the glass cellar……

這菜園大概有近百畝地光景。頭兩年，秋天的菜園，遠(yuǎn)看上去，就像一床蔥綠濃郁的大毯子，葉子微呈紫色的扁豆，頂花帶刺嫩脆生生的黃瓜，身披戎裝滿懷信心迎戰(zhàn)霜寒的韭菜、芫荽、大白菜。豈止這些，還有烘烤在玻璃窖內(nèi)的西紅柿嫩嫩的枝，水蘿卜旺旺的苗……

Now it was quite different. Such a vast vegetable garden was surrounded by bare land. In a few acres of land in the middle were planted a few rows of small spinach with four or five leaves, some flowering cabbages, and some carrots.

現(xiàn)如今已經(jīng)全然不同了，偌大一片菜園，四周光禿禿，寥寥數(shù)畝地中央，種著幾畦才長出三五片葉子的小菠菜、大半畦花心菜、兩檔子胡蘿卜。

A dozen or more women who came to pick out spinach crouched on the ridge of the vegetable garden. They often stopped their work and picked up some spinach to flick the mud on the roots, and blew the dust on the leaves. Then they stuffed them into their mouths to chew with relish. Some of the wily women looked up and beyond the sight of the old production team leader. They pulled their children and quickly tucked some spinach into their arms. Then they patted the children's bottoms and shouted, "Go home and see if your grandfather has come back from the market?"

十來個(gè)間菠菜的婦女蹲在畦埂上，她們時(shí)常停下手，抓起菠菜，彈彈根上的泥，吹吹葉上的浮塵，塞進(jìn)嘴里，有滋有味地咀嚼著。也有些鬼精女人抬起頭，瞅瞅走到別處的老隊(duì)長看不見，趕忙拽過自己的孩子，手麻腳利地往孩子懷里掖上兩把菠菜，然后拍一下孩子的屁股，大聲呵斥：“家去看看你爺趕集回來了沒？”

The old production team leader walked up and down around the edge of the ground with a long tobacco pipe in his mouth. He was probably calculating how many vegetables to be allocated to the higher authorities, how many to be distributed among the commune members, how many to be sent to the cadres, how many to be sold in the markets around the village. The old man was fond of saying, "Shit! I'll have to figure out how to get a little more money to give the commune members to buy their two big Liang of food…”. (The average daily ration for the members of the garden industry team for one day)

老隊(duì)長叼著長煙袋在地沿上走過來走過去。他大概又在盤算著這幾畦命根子菜，多少納調(diào)撥，多少分社員，多少打發(fā)干部，多少趕集上店跑四鄉(xiāng)。這老頭嘴皮兒總愛掛上那句口頭禪：“我日娘，總得盤算著多弄幾塊，分給社員，買那一人一份的二大兩（園業(yè)隊(duì)社員一天的人均口糧）?！?/p>

I remember my mother used to take me to the vegetable garden to pick out spinach when she was not ill. The old production team leader squatted down beside me. He took a few puffs. And then he jabbed at the brim of my hat with the end of his pipe. He gleefully flashed out his own loud voice: "Boy, you shouldn’t be like those girls, who are so greedy as to take the sweet potato slices out of the other villagers’ homes, running towards the South Hill. We also have these green vegetables in hand. In time of famine, no matter how they might be eaten, raw or cooked, if we eat some, we will certainly not die of hunger. Didn't you see those uniformed men of the city come to dig up the leftover potatoes in our fields?”

母親在身子好的時(shí)候，也常常帶我到菜園間菠菜。老隊(duì)長蹲在菜畦邊上大口大口吐上一陣子煙霧，又笑瞇瞇地用煙袋嘴兒戳戳我的帽檐，樂呵呵地亮出他那一人獨(dú)有的大嗓門：“小子，你可別像那些閨女們一樣，眼饞人家囤里的地瓜干，呼啦群地往南山里頭跑。咱們手里也有這青菜，趕上鬧饑荒的年頭，不管生的、熟的吃上幾口，保準(zhǔn)就餓不死。沒看見城里頭那些穿制服的，都到咱地里來倒地蛋（土豆）吃？”

A cool breeze was blowing. A minute later, those carrots lay down and then stood up. Those green leaves of carrots seemed to nod at me and seemed to wave at me as well.

一陣涼習(xí)習(xí)的風(fēng)迎面吹來，那兩檔子胡蘿卜一會(huì)兒伏了下去，一會(huì)兒又站了起來，這艷青得有些發(fā)紫的纓葉像在對(duì)我點(diǎn)頭，又像在對(duì)我招手。

Carrot——Mom!

胡蘿卜——娘！

I rushed rashly into the carrot field. I stomped hard with my feet and pulled hard with my hands.

我不顧一切地竄進(jìn)了胡蘿卜地，使勁地用腳跺，拼命地用手摳……

People stopped their work to look at me, staring in amazement. The Security Guard in the vegetable garden was named Ergou. He came running out of nowhere. He reached out his big hook-like hand and grabbed me by the collar. Then he lifted me up into the air like a chick.

人們停下手中的活計(jì)，直勾勾地瞪著我?？磮@的二狗不知從哪里“噌噌”幾步跑了過來，伸出他那鉤子般的干癟大手，抓住我的夾衣領(lǐng)子，輕輕一提，像抓個(gè)雞雛似地把我拎入半懸空。

"The production team is counting on those carrots for some money. We haven't made any money yet. But you’ve first come to steal and rob."

“合隊(duì)里就指望這點(diǎn)胡蘿卜換兩塊錢，半個(gè)大鈑兒還沒撈著，你倒好，先來偷，來搶！”

"Oh --" I was blushing with blood on my face. I guarded my chest with both my arms. I tried my best to protect the two carrots, the lower half of which contained some fresh earth.

“哦——”我臉漲得血紅，兩只胳膊攏倒胸前，緊緊護(hù)住那兩半截帶著新鮮泥土的胡蘿卜。

"Hi! What courage does the child have!”

“嗨！這孩子好膽氣?！?/p>

"How foolish it is for a thief to steal like that!"

“傻蛋，哪國這樣偷東西？”

"What a pity! His mother has been ill for more than three months. "

“他娘犯病三個(gè)多月，也就是了不得?！?/p>

"Now, healthy people are hard to live. I'm afraid sick people can’t survive."

“可不。這年景，好好的人都難挺住，長上病還不得更要命……”

The women murmured.

婦女們嘰咕了起來。

In the noise, the old production team leader rushed over with a big stride. "What's going on?” He said, “Ergou, let go right now!”

在人們的紛嚷聲里，老隊(duì)長大步流星地趕過來：“怎么弄的？二狗，你先松開手?！?/p>

Without waiting for Ergou to reply, the old production team leader poked me in my arm with the big pipe bowl, "Why did you pull the carrots? Are you hungry? "

沒等二狗搭上腔，他又用大煙袋鍋戳戳我的胳膊：“咋扒胡蘿卜啦？餓直杖（干巴）了是不？”

I couldn't breathe until Ergou let go.

二狗松開手，我才喘過一口氣。

"I haven’t seen your father these two days. And is your mother better?"The old production team leader did not treat me as a thief at all.

“這兩天，也沒見著你大（爸），你娘的病好點(diǎn)了？”老隊(duì)長一點(diǎn)都沒有拿我當(dāng)賊的意思。

"Even worse." I shivered my lips, saying, "My mom - she wants to eat carrots." Two lines of tears rolled down from my cheeks.

“更厲害了?！蔽叶哙轮齑剑鞍衬铩院}卜。”兩行淚水順著我的腮幫“唰”地一下子滾落下來。

"Ah? Does aunt want to eat carrots? Boy, why didn't you say that earlier! If you said she wanted to eat carrots... alas, please slap Ergou on his face immediately!" Soon Ergou bent down. He lowered his thin and dirty forehead in front of me. And then he took my little hand in his trembling hands…

“啊？是二嬸子要吃胡蘿卜？俺兄弟喲，你咋不早說！早說她吃，唉——你快打二哥兩耳刮子吧！”二狗居然彎下腰，將他那瘦得爆出青筋又臟得掛滿云彩的額頭傾到我面前，并有些發(fā)顫地托起了我那瘦小的手……

Recalling the matter, I found Ergou’s action really funny. But he was so sincere that no one else showed even a hint of smile on the face.

回想起來，他這副動(dòng)作簡直能把人笑個(gè)半死。但二狗是那樣的真率，那樣的虔誠，以至于人們的臉上都絲毫沒有表現(xiàn)出一點(diǎn)點(diǎn)的笑意來。

"Get a shovel for me." The old production team leader yelled at the women who were picking out spinach.

“拿把鏟子來?！崩详?duì)長吆喝著間菠菜的婦女們。

"Hula", several women handed over their shovels immediately.

“呼啦”，好幾個(gè)婦女幾乎同時(shí)伸出攥著鏟子的手，邁過了菜畦子。

The old production team leader took one very quickly and stepped over to where I dug up the carrots. He squatted down and picked up the carrot leaves that I had pulled off. He scooped up the earth with his shovel and filled it in the two holes where I had pulled the carrot out. Then he carefully dug out some carrots with bigger leaves from the edge of the Ridge. He tapped them with a shovel and twisted the leaves into a mass. Then he tucked the carrots into my arms and told me, "take them home and cook them for your mother."

老隊(duì)長張手接過一把，三兩步跨到我扒胡蘿卜的地方，蹲下身子，拾起被我拽掉的胡蘿卜纓，用鏟子剜了幾下土，填住我拔出胡蘿卜后的那兩個(gè)小坑，又小心翼翼地從畦埂邊上挑了幾個(gè)纓葉大些的胡蘿卜挖出來，用鏟子輕輕拍打干凈，將纓子一扭，纏成一塊，往我懷里一塞：“拿家去煮給你娘?！?/p>

At that time, my mind was filled with sadness and gratitude. I really didn't know what to say. I was just about to walk away when Ergou stopped me and said, "Wait a minute, Boy." Suddenly, he took a shovel from a woman's hand. Then he strode over to where I had pulled the carrots and dug up the earth with a great effort. He dug out the tails of the two carrots which I had got broken. He handed them to me and said, "Boy, please take these too."

悲傷、感激的心情交織在一起，我真不知道說什么才好，剛要邁步，二狗挺起身來：“等一等，兄弟?！彼謯Z下一把鏟子，大步走到我扒胡蘿卜的地方，用勁往地里剜撓幾下，挖出被我扒斷的那兩半截胡蘿卜尾，遞到我面前：“大弟，你把這也捎著。”

I held those carrots that would save my mother's life. I looked at those thin and kind faces of the old production team leader, Ergou and the women. I bowed down and ran home.

我捧著這幾個(gè)命根子般的胡蘿卜，望了望老隊(duì)長、二狗哥和婦女們那一張張干瘦而又慈祥的臉，哈下腰鞠了一個(gè)大躬，回身往家中奔去。

"Poor kid."

“苦命的孩子?！?/p>

"His parents have four children. He is the eldest of them."

“子妹四個(gè)數(shù)他大……”

I ran home with that armful of carrots. But that didn't make the adults any happier.

我兜著那一抱胡蘿卜，一溜小跑趕回家，并沒有引起大人們的格外高興。

"You're back, boy." Grandma raised her head and gently beckoned me. And then she busily made the firewood burn better so as to decoct medicinal herbs for my mother more quickly. Her eyes were red with smoke. My father had returned home from the city. With his brows furrowed, he was pouring water into a bowl from an old bamboo thermos.

“回來了，甡?！崩涯镌诖抵幑拮酉旅娴牟癫荩[起被煙熏紅的兩眼，溫和地叫了我一聲。父親拿著舊竹皮子暖壺往碗里倒水，臉上就是不開晴。

I put the carrots on the ground and shook off the soil on my jacket, saying to my grandma, "cook them at once, Grannie." Then I rushed into the inner room.

我把胡蘿卜放到地上，抖擻了兩下夾衣上的土，應(yīng)了姥娘一聲：“塊煮，姥娘?！壁s忙鉆進(jìn)里屋。

Mother’s eyes being closed, I put my face to her ear, saying joyfully in a low voice, "Mom, eat carrots in a while, ah."

我把臉貼上閉著眼睛的母親耳邊，喜滋滋地小聲說：“娘，待會(huì)兒吃胡蘿卜，啊?！?/p>

My mother opened her weak eyes slightly, looked at me and gave me a gentle "MMM.”

母親微微睜開那雙無力的眼睛，看了我一眼，輕輕地“嗯”了一聲……

Carrots and ginseng medicine did not cure my mom's disease. On the third night, I didn’t hear my dying mother's call to me, nor did I feel how her weak hand slipped from my head. I was so sleepy that I didn't know how the adults had movedme from my mother’s side to the other end of the Kang.

胡蘿卜和帶參的藥，竟也沒治好母親的病。第三天夜里，我終于沒能聽到彌留中的母親對(duì)我的呼喚，也沒能感到她那無力的手掌怎樣從我的頭頂滑落……我太困了，以至于大人們?nèi)绾伟盐覐难柿藲獾哪赣H身邊移到炕尾，都全然不曉。

In my sleep, I felt as if I were getting colder and colder.And the whimpering sound seemed to reverberate in my ears. It was probably my

dad who was crying.

睡夢(mèng)里，我仿佛覺得身上越來越冷，耳畔似乎回響著時(shí)近時(shí)遠(yuǎn)的“嚶嚶”聲，那大概是父親在哭……

That year, there were the other old people, children and patients in the village who could not bear to suffer and died one after another. Unfortunately, Ergou also died of swelling from eating poisonous wild vegetables.

那一年，村子里還有其他一些老人、孩子和病人，不堪折磨，相繼死去。萬分不幸的是，二狗哥也因吃了有毒的野菜，渾身上下浮腫而死。

Now, in the heyday of my life, I can freely write these things deep in my memory. I miss my poor mother who died early.And I’ll never forget those poor and miserable years rooted in my heart. My mother and those who sympathized with me and helped me, no matter whether they are on earth or in heaven, will always accompany me through this long road of life.

如今，在我人生的鼎盛年華里，可以放手去寫這些記憶深處的東西。我懷念我那早逝的可憐的母親，也懷念那些扎根我心靈的貧窮和困苦的歲月。我的母親和那些同情與幫助我的人，不論他們?cè)谌碎g還是在天國，將永遠(yuǎn)伴陪著我，走過這綿延的生命之路。

（The end）