How to Truly Say You're Sorry？

如何真誠地說“對不起”？

7 Ways to Truly Say You're Sorry

How to craft better apologies.

如何更好地表達歉意。

There's a reason the song is called "Hard to Say I'm Sorry." Apologizing doesn't come easily or naturally for most people, including me. We often get too wrapped up in our own lives and needs to consider how we might be hurting others, whether intentionally or unintentionally. In many of these instances, a genuine apology is not only necessary, but perhaps the only thing that can repair an otherwise broken relationship. 

有一首歌被叫做“很難說對不起”，是有原因的。對于包括我在內(nèi)的大多數(shù)人來說，道歉并不容易，也不自然。我們常常過于專注于自己的生活，需要考慮有可能傷害到了他人，無論是有意還是無意。在許多這樣的情況下，真誠的道歉不僅是必要的，而且可能是唯一可以修復(fù)一段原本破裂的關(guān)系的方法。

As someone who has always struggled with making heartfelt apologies to loved ones, I turned to experts for advice on how to be better at saying "I'm sorry."

有些人一直不知如何向所愛的人表示衷心的歉意，我則向?qū)＜覍で笕绾胃玫卣f“對不起”的建議。

1. Acknowledge that what you did wrong. 

    要認(rèn)清你做錯了什么。

The first step to making an apology, according to Dr. Elizabeth M. Minei, is to explain the error. The person who made the mistake should acknowledge and demonstrate their understanding of why they hurt the other person. "The reason for this step is that an offer of 'Sorry!' without communicating that you've understood why the words or actions were hurtful results in less of an impact to the hearer," she says.

伊麗莎白 米尼博士說，道歉的第一步是解釋錯誤。犯錯的人應(yīng)該承認(rèn)并證明他們認(rèn)識到自己為什么傷害了對方。 她說：”這一步的原因是如果你先說 ‘對不起！‘而你沒有告訴別人你已經(jīng)理解了為什么這些話或行為傷害到對方，那么對對方的影響就會更大。”

2. Be sincere.

    要真心實意

This seems like a no-brainer, but we live in a culture where superficial and qualified non-apologies are the norm for politicians and public figures. Often, they will say something like, 'I'm sorry if I hurt you,' or 'I'm sorry but...' A sincere and humble apology, according to New York City-based therapist Kimberly Hershenson, doesn't attempt to justify wrongdoing. Instead, it "shows that you recognize your hurtful actions, accept responsibility, and are willing to change." 

這看起來很簡單，但我們生活在這樣一種文化中：對于政治家和公眾人物來說，膚淺和合格的不道歉是常態(tài)。通常，他們會說“如果我傷害了你，我很抱歉”或“我很抱歉，但是……”根據(jù)紐約市的治療師金伯利 赫申森的說法，一個真誠而謙虛的道歉，并不是要為錯誤行為辯護。相反，它“表明你認(rèn)識到你的傷害行為，接受所要承擔(dān)的責(zé)任，并愿意做出改變。”

3. Ask for forgiveness. 

   請求原諒

When you ask for forgiveness, you give the other person a chance to react and respond. Give them time. Even if they never come around, this is an important gesture that puts the ball back in their court. "It gives them the opportunity to either take it or leave it," says mental health and relationship expert Keba Richmond-Green.

當(dāng)你請求原諒的時候，你給了對方一個思考和回應(yīng)的機會。給他們時間。即使他們不再回頭，這也是一個重要的姿態(tài)，就是把問題擺到桌面上。”心理健康和關(guān)系專家凱巴·里士滿·格林說：“這給了他們一個要么接受要么放棄的機會。

4. Don't think of an apology as winning or losing. 

    不要把道歉看成輸贏。

In her practice, marriage and family therapist Carolyn Cole has seen too many couples say they just want to win or be right in a fight. But saying the words "I'm sorry" when you have crossed a line isn't the same as saying, "You're completely right in this situation." Instead, Cole says, an apology simply means that "you value the relationship more than your ego."

在婚姻家庭咨詢師卡羅琳·科爾的實踐中看到過太多的夫婦說他們只想在一場爭斗中獲勝或是成為對的一方。但是，當(dāng)你做了越界的事后說“對不起”并不等于說“你在這種情況下完全正確”。相反，科爾說，道歉只是意味著“你更看重你們之間的關(guān)系而不是你的自我”

5. Don't blame them. 

   不要責(zé)怪對方。

This is the most challenging hurdle to overcome in my own apologies, as I am usually all too eager to point out how someone provoked me into acting a certain way. According to relationship therapist Rhonda Milrad, "saying, 'I wouldn't have if you didn't do this first' sends a message that you are not taking responsibility for your actions." In other words, blaming them pretty much invalidates your apology. 

這是我自己道歉時最具挑戰(zhàn)性的障礙，因為我通常都急于指出某人是如何促使我采取某種行動的。根據(jù)關(guān)系治療師朗達·米拉德的說法，“如果你不先這么做，我就不會這么做”傳達了一個信息，那就是你對自己的行為不負責(zé)任。”換句話說，責(zé)備他們幾乎會讓你的道歉失效。

6. Be ready to apologize multiple times. 

   要做好多次道歉的準(zhǔn)備。

Sometimes one sorry just isn't enough. To show genuine contrition, relationship therapist Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin recommends repeatedly asking for forgiveness and offering reassurance to loved ones, especially for serious errors. "To apologize and expect life to return to normal because you said sorry is unrealistic," he says. "This contrition will help reduce the anger that the other may be feeling and help rebuild the trust."

有時候一次道歉是不夠的。為了表示真正的悔恨，關(guān)系治療師拉比·什洛莫·斯萊特金建議反復(fù)請求原諒，并向所愛的人提供安慰，特別是對嚴(yán)重錯誤。他說：“因為你說對不起而進行了道歉并期望生活就能恢復(fù)正常是不現(xiàn)實的。這種悔悟?qū)⒂兄跍p少對方可能感到的憤怒，并有助于重建信任?！?/span>

7. Tell them how you will change. 

    告訴對方你會怎樣改變。

Most of us can agree that an apology is meaningless if nothing changes afterward. This is why it is so important to follow up with "how you plan to change your behavior to avoid this problem in the future," says Dr. Jesse Matthews. Most important, you must follow through with the change. It is the only way that the other person will know that you are truly sorry. 

我們大多數(shù)人都認(rèn)為，如果事后沒有任何改變，道歉就毫無意義。杰西·馬修斯博士說，這就是為什么跟進“你計劃如何改變自己的行為以避免將來出現(xiàn)這種問題”如此重要的原因。最重要的是，你必須堅持改變。只有這樣，對方才會知道你真的很抱歉。

But what if they don't forgive you? 

但如果對方?jīng)]有原諒你怎么辦？

This is the hardest part. Sometimes, no matter what you do or say, it won't be enough. In her experience, Minei has found that "a well-executed proper apology is 12 times more likely to generate forgiveness from the recipient." Still, if your apology is not accepted, she advises that you assess the reason why. If the recipient says he needs more time, you might respond with, "I understand, and I am willing to give you more time. I'd like to call you next week — does that sound all right?" 

這是最難的部分。有時候，不管你做什么或說什么，都是不夠的。米耐根據(jù)她的經(jīng)驗發(fā)現(xiàn)“一個執(zhí)行得當(dāng)?shù)牡狼笗尳邮苷叩脑徛侍岣?2倍?！辈贿^，如果你的道歉不被接受，她建議你評估原因。如果接受者說他需要更多的時間，你可以回答，“我理解，我愿意給你更多的時間。我想下周給你打電話，你覺得怎么樣？”

Sometimes, people may hesitate in granting forgiveness because the offered restoration isn't enough, Minei says. In that case, you might respond with, "I'd like to know what I can do to make this right. Can we brainstorm together?" This shows that you are willing to do whatever it takes to make amends.

米耐說，有時候，人們可能會猶豫是否給予寬恕，因為提供的修復(fù)的理由還不夠。在這種情況下，你可能會回答說，“我想知道我能做些什么來糾正這一點。我們能一起集思廣益嗎？”這表明你愿意不惜一切代價來彌補。

Finally, there may be times when people flat-out refuse your apology, no matter how well-intentioned or heartfelt. Minei suggests that you can only respond by stating your desire to maintain your relationship. You could say, "I understand that you want nothing to do with me, and I regret that my mistake has led us to this place. I do not want to end our friendship and can only say that if you change your mind, I would be willing to continue our relationship." But afterward, you should leave them alone. 

最后，有時人們會斷然拒絕你的道歉，不管你的道歉是出于善意還是出于真心。米耐建議，你只能通過表達維持關(guān)系的愿望來做出回應(yīng)。你可以說，“我明白你不想和我有任何關(guān)系，我很遺憾我的錯誤把我們帶到了這個地方。我不想結(jié)束我們的友誼，只能說，如果你改變主意，我愿意繼續(xù)我們的關(guān)系”，但之后，你應(yīng)該先離開。

Apologies will never be easy, but hopefully these tips will make them better.

道歉從來都不是件容易的事，但希望這些建議能讓他們變得更容易一些。

genuine  真誠的

ego 自我

contrition 悔悟