4 Secrets to Negotiate with Difficult People | Psychology Today

四招搞定難纏之人| 今日心理

From: psychologytoday.com  By: Aldo Civico Ph.D.

來(lái)自：psychologytoday.com  作者：Aldo Civico Ph.D.

Abstract

摘要

We don't get the life we deserve. We get the life we negotiate!

生活并非來(lái)自應(yīng)有。生活源自談判！

Whether you are dealing with a grumpy teenager, or putting up with a boss that makes your life miserable, or engaging with a difficult person, knowing some of the techniques employed by successful negotiators can help you to be behind the wheel of your life and steer it in the desired direction. That is a better result than feeling out of control, isn’t it?

還在和脾氣暴躁的孩子相處嗎？還在忍受讓你生活在水深火熱之中的老板嗎？還在和難纏的人周旋嗎？了解成功談判者運(yùn)用的技巧會(huì)讓我們掌舵生命之船駛向夢(mèng)想的方向。和情緒失控相比，這不失為好的結(jié)果，不是嗎？

Indeed, when we lose control, we go into a crisis mode. We swing between anger and hopelessness. We get frustrated and we fall hostage of our negative and disempowering emotions. That’s not a state of mind you want to be in.

一旦情緒失控，我們就會(huì)進(jìn)入危險(xiǎn)模式。在憤怒和失望之間徘徊，被負(fù)面和消極情緒綁架。我們不想處于這種精神狀態(tài)。

There is little to gain when a situation controls you, rather than you being in control. You are better off if you have a method that helps you to author your life, even when it gets tough and rough.

當(dāng)我們被控制，而不是施加控制，收獲甚微。若有一個(gè)方法，幫助我們揮筆書(shū)寫(xiě)人生，情況便大有好轉(zhuǎn)，若沒(méi)有，只會(huì)愈來(lái)愈糟。如果有一個(gè)方法幫我們書(shū)寫(xiě)人生，即使情況不怎么樂(lè)觀，我們也會(huì)漸入佳境。

Let’s then examine 4 secrets employed by successful negotiators to reach effective agreements (Here I present only 4, but if you are interested in all 8 the secrets I teach in my seminars and courses, you can download my infograph here (link is external)):

那么，讓我們檢測(cè)成功談判者運(yùn)用的四大招數(shù)達(dá)到協(xié)議生效那么，讓我們看一下成功談判者用來(lái)達(dá)成有效協(xié)議的四招吧（在這里，我只陳述四個(gè)秘訣，如果你對(duì)八個(gè)秘訣全部感興趣，請(qǐng)此處下載我的infograph（外部鏈接））：

Secret #1: Know What You Want.

招數(shù)一：知道想要什么

Clarity of purpose is key for a successful negotiation. Often, we experience emotions that put us down because our mind is clouded and we are unable to understand what’s going. We wonder what our next step should be. Our mind is fogged. We lack clarity.

意圖清晰是談判成功的關(guān)鍵。我們通常由于精神萎靡，被經(jīng)歷的多種情緒擊倒，對(duì)正在發(fā)生的事情無(wú)法理解。我們對(duì)下一步一籌莫展。大腦一片霧水，缺乏清晰。

By the time a negotiator sits down at the table, he or she has already identified specific and desired results the negotiation has to produce. So, ask yourself when confronted with a tough situation:

等到談判者坐在桌旁，他或她已經(jīng)對(duì)談判將要產(chǎn)生的具體、理想的結(jié)果胸有成竹。面對(duì)如此棘手的情況，試問(wèn)你該怎么做？

What is it that you really want to achieve? What are your goals?

你想達(dá)成什么結(jié)果？你的目標(biāo)是什么？

Having a clear, concrete and measurable answer to this question (which might include clarity about what you are not ready to accept and tolerate in an agreement) will assist you greatly in dealing with a difficult person or situation.

對(duì)于這個(gè)問(wèn)題（可能會(huì)包括協(xié)議中你不想去接受和忍受的清晰）有一個(gè)清楚、具體并且可以預(yù)見(jiàn)的答案，可以極大地幫我們對(duì)付難搞的人或事。

Secret #2: Know The Other Side.

招數(shù)二：知道事情的另一面

By this I don’t mean only to know what the goals of the other party are or what it is up to. Nor do I mean only to collect information that will help you to bond with the other party in a more sincere and meaningful way (a negotiator once told me that when he had to meet with a very difficult foreign leader, he brought him as a gift a soccer ball signed by some soccer players, because he knew about this president’s passion for soccer. And that gesture opened the door for a constructive interaction). Of course, the more information you have, the better.

我的意思是不僅僅了解他人的目標(biāo)或所作所為，也不僅僅是收集信息來(lái)幫助我們和他人用更真誠(chéng)和有意義的方式建立關(guān)系（一個(gè)談判者曾經(jīng)告訴我，當(dāng)他遇到一位非常難搞的外籍領(lǐng)導(dǎo)，他贈(zèng)送一個(gè)許多足球運(yùn)動(dòng)員簽名的足球作為禮物，因?yàn)樗私膺@位領(lǐng)導(dǎo)對(duì)足球的狂熱。那一舉動(dòng)打開(kāi)了建構(gòu)交往的大門(mén)）。當(dāng)然，我們掌握的信息越多越好。

Rather, what I mean by “knowing the other side,” is the importance of identifying what basic human needs the other party is trying to satisfy with a behavior that might even be harmful and destructive. As Tony Robbins (link is external) likes to emphasize, there is always a positive intention behind someone’s behavior. That is, there is always the intention of satisfying a need.

相反，我強(qiáng)調(diào)的是識(shí)別另一方用有害和致命行為滿足人類最基本需要的重要性。如同托尼安·羅賓斯（Tony Robbins）（外部鏈接）經(jīng)常強(qiáng)調(diào)的，一個(gè)人行為的背后總有一個(gè)強(qiáng)烈的動(dòng)機(jī)。也就是說(shuō)，滿足需求往往是有意圖的。

Recognizing that we are moved by positive intentions and learning how to identify the need someone satisfies with a negative behavior, had a great impact on the quality of my work.

意識(shí)到我們受積極動(dòng)機(jī)的驅(qū)動(dòng)，以及了解如何去識(shí)別需要并用消極行為去滿足對(duì)我的工作質(zhì)量有重要的影響。

In fact, whenever I am able to identify if an individual, by means of a particular behavior, is looking for recognition, or a deeper connection, or is simply scared and is therefore searching for security, I am in a better position to connect with the basic needs of that person, and take care of them. In fact, once the need is identified, what needs to change is the strategy to achieve it. Knowing this, together with the other person, I can explore alternatives.

事實(shí)上，一個(gè)人是在用特殊的方式尋找認(rèn)知，或深層聯(lián)系，還是僅僅由于恐懼尋求安全感，無(wú)論任何時(shí)候我都能識(shí)別。我處于一個(gè)更好的位置，與他的基本需求相連并呵護(hù)著它們。實(shí)際上，需求一旦被識(shí)別，需要改變的是實(shí)現(xiàn)它的策略。知道了這一點(diǎn)，和其他人一起我們可以探尋替代者。

So, what’s the positive intention behind the behavior of your grumpy teenage child, or your impossible boss? Is it recognition? security? a deeper connection? How can you help the other to meet his or her need in a more constructive way? What alternatives exist?

那么，脾氣暴躁的青少年行為背后的積極意圖是什么？或者你那無(wú)足輕重的老板呢？是認(rèn)知？安全？深層聯(lián)系？你如何能以更建設(shè)性的方式幫助他人滿足他或她的需要？究竟存在著什么樣的替代品？

Secret #3: Prepare Options for Mutual Gain.

招數(shù)三：為雙贏準(zhǔn)備選擇

If you know the other and you have identified his or her needs and interests, then you can come up with a menu of options that benefits both you and the other. In other words, ask yourself: what arrangements might take care of your own needs and those of the other?

如果我們了解對(duì)方，并且已經(jīng)確定他或她的需要和興趣，就可以提出我們和對(duì)方雙雙受益的選擇清單。換句話說(shuō)，試問(wèn)自己：什么安排可以照顧我們自己的需求和他人的需求？

If you focus exclusively on your own needs and interests, you make a poor negotiator, and the conflict you are facing is destined to escalate and to become intractable. Instead, once you have clarity about your preferred outcome and you have identified the key need of the other, you can become creative and come up with solutions that are mutually beneficial.

如果過(guò)分關(guān)注自己的需求和興趣，我們會(huì)成為失敗的談判者，注定要面對(duì)急劇惡化以及演變的十分棘手的情況。相反，一旦我們對(duì)意向的結(jié)果清晰明了并且確定他人的關(guān)鍵需求，我們會(huì)變得有創(chuàng)造性并會(huì)提出雙方受益的方法。

Rather than seeing in the other an opponent you have to defeat, see in him or her a partner with whom to collaborate.

與其為自己建立一個(gè)必須對(duì)抗的敵人，還不如把他或她看成是合作的伙伴。

In fact, even in there is tension and disagreement, when we belong to a family, an organization or a community, we are entangled in the same web of relations. Becoming aware of this web, helps you to perceive the other not as separated from you, but as part of your life and reality.

事實(shí)上，當(dāng)我們屬于一個(gè)家庭，組織或團(tuán)體，我們陷入相同的關(guān)系網(wǎng)，甚至有壓力和分歧時(shí)亦是如此。這個(gè)關(guān)系網(wǎng)幫助我們覺(jué)察到他人不是與我們分離開(kāi)來(lái)的，而是作為我們生活和現(xiàn)實(shí)中的一部分。

Secret #4: Listen.

招數(shù)四：傾聽(tīng)

There is no skill more powerful and transformative in negotiation, than listening. Listening is opening the space that allows for an encounter with the other. Listening engenders the conditions that allow the other to express his or her own needs and interests.

在談判中，傾聽(tīng)的效力和魄力無(wú)與倫比。傾聽(tīng)打開(kāi)了空間允許與對(duì)方碰面。傾聽(tīng)為他人表達(dá)自己的需求和興趣提供條件。

Moreover, listening doesn’t provide only an opportunity for the other to express him or herself, but offers also a chance to gain insights in the experience and perception of the other.

再者，傾聽(tīng)不僅僅是為他人提供表達(dá)自己的機(jī)會(huì)，也是提供在此經(jīng)驗(yàn)中獲得洞察力和覺(jué)察力的可能性。

You will not get to know the other party, unless you listen authentically and deeply. This level of listening requires the capacity to put yourself in parentheses, at least momentarily, to make space for the other.

我們只有真實(shí)地并且深刻地傾聽(tīng)才可以知彼。這種傾聽(tīng)需要我們有讓自己休息的能力，至少是短暫時(shí)間的，這樣也可以給對(duì)方留出空間。

In listening (and not in telling or talking down) rests the first powerful step towards change and transformation.

第一個(gè)進(jìn)行改變的有效步驟就是傾聽(tīng)（而非傾訴或說(shuō)服）。

Finding ways to implement these four secrets of successful negotiators, will increase the effectiveness of your communication, deepen your relationships, elicit unimagined solutions and turn a problem into an opportunity. The quality of your life will experience an upgrade.

找出方法運(yùn)用成功談判者的四個(gè)秘訣會(huì)增加交流的有效性，深化關(guān)系，并引出想象不到的解決方法，把問(wèn)題轉(zhuǎn)變成機(jī)遇。我們的生活質(zhì)量也會(huì)經(jīng)歷登高的洗禮。