在大學(xué)有關(guān)幸福的課程里，我用了至少三節(jié)課的時(shí)間來講述心理學(xué)家們關(guān)于如何經(jīng)營健康的人際關(guān)系的研究成果。問一問學(xué)校的孩子們，他們的朋友是誰？許多人會(huì)列出姓氏首字母在字母表中與他們接近的人。為什么會(huì)出現(xiàn)這種情況？因?yàn)榇蟛糠钟颜x都是由座位促成的。學(xué)校隨意地同學(xué)安排到你身邊，于是你們便成了朋友。在年輕時(shí)那些純真的歲月里，只要距離近，你便會(huì)和他成為朋友。但是隨著我們逐漸長大，情況就大不一樣，尤其是對(duì)于男人們。思想的開闊性遭受當(dāng)頭一棒；別人怎樣看我們以及我們?cè)谶@個(gè)社會(huì)等級(jí)中處于什么位置則成為重中之重。但是，也存在一些別的東西使結(jié)交朋友變得困難，它們?cè)诎抵袧摲?，很少有人談起?B style="BACKGROUND: none transparent scroll repeat 0% 0%" class="label bg2" jQuery1320027165600="30">

When men hit their 30s, many cling to their high school and college friends. And if these don't last, men have a hard time forming new friendships. I'm not talking about work-out partners and neighbors you pound a few beers with while ribs are grilling, I'm talking about confidants. People who you are willing to share your innermost self to because you feel it will be valued and accepted (regardless of what evils lurk there). Women are fantastic at cultivating these relationships. Women spend substantial time and energy to creating intimate relationships, safe havens and people that care about the good things that happen to them. Men? Not so much. With one exception: Men who get married. With wives in charge of their social life, men get a free pass to a rich social life.

當(dāng)男人們到了30多歲，很多人都堅(jiān)守著高中和大學(xué)時(shí)的朋友們。如果這種友誼沒有持續(xù)下去，男人們通常很難交到新朋友。我指的不是工作伙伴，也不是在一起一邊喝酒一邊烤肉的鄰居；而是指密友，指那些你樂于和他們分享自己最隱蔽的內(nèi)心（不管你的內(nèi)心有多邪惡）的朋友，因?yàn)樗麄儠?huì)接受并尊重你。女人們?cè)诮Y(jié)交密友方面有著極其了不起的能力。她們會(huì)花費(fèi)大量的時(shí)間來創(chuàng)造親密的人際關(guān)系和安全的心靈港灣，以及結(jié)交關(guān)心她們的朋友。男人呢？則不那么擅長。唯一例外的是，結(jié)了婚的男人。有了妻子來主管他們的社會(huì)生活，男人們?nèi)缤@得了通往豐富的社會(huì)生活的免費(fèi)通行證。

Now is the time to be skeptical. After all, most gender differences are miniscule. Differences between men and women in talent for science, math, engineering and technology? Miniscule. Research on this topic shows its about motivation, not ability. Differences between men and women in empathy, compassion and love? Miniscule. Ends up being more about how these interpersonal emotions are expressed, not about gender differences in what is felt. So why should you believe that as we get older, men tend to feel lonelier with less confidants compared to women and their abundance of meaningful relationships?

不少人可能對(duì)此觀點(diǎn)持懷疑態(tài)度。畢竟，大部分性別差異都是微乎其微的。男女在科學(xué)、數(shù)學(xué)、工程學(xué)和應(yīng)用科學(xué)上的天賦的差異有多大呢？微乎其微。研究表明，男女在這一方面的差異體現(xiàn)在動(dòng)機(jī)方面，而非能力方面。那么，男女在同情、憐憫和關(guān)愛方面的差異呢？也是微乎其微。研究結(jié)果表明，男女的差異體現(xiàn)在這些情感的表達(dá)方式上，而非感受上。那么，為什么你就認(rèn)為，隨著年齡的增長，比起女人來男人們的知己和豐富的人際關(guān)系更少，因此一般容易更孤獨(dú)呢？

Drawing on decades of research, Thomas Joiner weaves a neglected story about how the manly pursuit of status, power, wealth and autonomy leads to great rewards in work and play but at the expense of loving, caring friendships. This is laid out beautifully in his book to be released this week titled, Lonely at the Top: The High Costs of Men's Success.

依據(jù)幾十年的研究成果，Thomas Joiner編出了一個(gè)常被人們所忽視的故事，故事是關(guān)于男人們對(duì)于地位、權(quán)利、財(cái)富以及自主權(quán)的追求是如何使他們?cè)诠ぷ骱捅荣愔械玫截S厚的成果，卻導(dǎo)致他們犧牲了友愛、貼心的友誼。在他下周要發(fā)行的書《高處不勝寒：男人成功的高額代價(jià)》之中，他清楚地展示了這個(gè)過程。

Personal strivings are the central projects that people think about, plan for, and allocate time and energy toward. Strivings provide information about what a person wants as well as the type of person they wish to be. Men disproportionally strive for wealth, success and power compared to women. Women tend to have a different instruction manual for life, putting a premium on nurturing and befriending other people. This doesn't mean that the average woman is unconcerned about success and status, but that this is less likely to be done without checking in on friendships to ensure they attain their highest potential.

個(gè)人的努力奮斗是人們考慮、計(jì)劃、分配時(shí)間和精力的中心任務(wù)。這些奮斗能夠反映一個(gè)人想要什么以及想成為什么樣的人。男人們比女人格外地爭取財(cái)富、成功以及權(quán)力。對(duì)于生活，女人似乎和男人擁有不同的操作指南，額外地對(duì)照顧和幫助別人方面也投入精力。這并不意味這大部分女人對(duì)成功和地位不關(guān)注，而是說女人們通常不會(huì)不考慮友誼而只想使自身的潛力得到最大的發(fā)揮。

Using rigorous scientific techniques, we know that strivings matter for well-being. Striving for wealth and power is less likely to bring about happiness and meaning in life than working hard to care for other people and developing intimate bonds. But if there is one thing we know its that whatever society rewards is what you will see more of. Have you seen Forbes list of the 500 foremost people who provide love, friendship, support and laughter in the world? Nope. Have you received any feedback on your ability to make and maintain friends in high school, college, or in the workplace? Probably not. Have your friends and colleagues given you a surprise party to celebrate your amazing ability to ask questions and take an interest in what they are passionate about? Your willingness to sacrifice countless late nights consoling them? Unlikely. But if you landed a work promotion, published a book or appeared in a movie, champagne bottles tend to appear alongside lavish praise.

利用嚴(yán)格、科學(xué)的技巧，我們知道努力奮斗對(duì)幸福來說很重要。然而，努力獲取財(cái)富和權(quán)力，卻不如努力關(guān)心他人、結(jié)交親密的朋友那樣能夠給人帶來幸福和人生的意義。但是，有一點(diǎn)我們必須知道：社會(huì)對(duì)什么有回饋，我們就會(huì)愈重視什么。你見到過福布斯為世界上最能夠提供關(guān)愛、友誼、支持和歡笑的人排出前500強(qiáng)嗎？沒有。你在高中、大學(xué)或者職場曾因?yàn)槟闵朴诮Y(jié)交朋友和維持友誼而得到過贊賞嗎？很可能沒有。你的朋友或是同事曾因?yàn)槟闵朴隈雎牶完P(guān)心他們所熱衷的事物而給你舉辦過令你驚喜的晚會(huì)嗎？或者是因?yàn)槟阍敢饣ㄙM(fèi)無數(shù)的夜晚去安慰他們？不可能。但是，如果你升職了、出了一本書或是演了一部電影，贊譽(yù)之詞伴隨著香檳酒都會(huì)隨之而來。

I am not suggesting that we choose between success and friendship. I am suggesting that balance take the place of overly-simplified solutions. I am suggesting that conscious attention needs to be given to friendships. Without regular nourishment, relationships wither and die like any other living, breathing organism. And when important relationships falter, and they will, we need to replenish them.

我并不是說，在成功和友誼之中我們必須選擇其一；而是強(qiáng)調(diào)以兩者的平衡來取代過于簡單化的選擇。我是說，對(duì)友誼要刻意地給予關(guān)注。如果沒有定期的呵護(hù)，友誼就會(huì)像其他活著的、會(huì)呼吸的生物一樣枯萎并死亡。而當(dāng)重要的友誼搖搖欲墜之時(shí)，我們需要采取措施來彌補(bǔ)。

Please note that I am not talking about romantic relationships, I'm talking about friendships, which might be even more important to our well-being. Friendships are hard work, not something that comes as easily to us as it did when we were children, sexually hyperactive teenagers or confused 20-somethings. But this is hard work well spent.

請(qǐng)注意，我所談?wù)摰牟皇菓賽坳P(guān)系，而是友誼，這對(duì)我們的幸福來說或許會(huì)更重要。經(jīng)營友誼是一件很有難度的事情，而不像我們孩提時(shí)、活躍的青春期或迷茫的20幾歲之時(shí)那么簡單。但是，這樣的努力卻十分值得。

Loneliness is unfortunately rather common. In a survey of 3000+ adults aged 35 or older, 1 in 5 reported being lonely on a regular basis (not just a few uncomfortable moments every once in ahwile). In another survey of college students, 1 in 5 reported being "chronically lonely" (this means they felt alienated and disconnected most of their waking hours). Scary numbers.

不幸的是，孤獨(dú)感普遍存在。在一項(xiàng)對(duì)3000多成人進(jìn)行的調(diào)查中，五分之一的人說會(huì)定期地感到孤獨(dú)（不是偶爾的一些不舒服的時(shí)刻）。在另一項(xiàng)對(duì)大學(xué)生的進(jìn)行調(diào)查中，五分之一的人表明會(huì)“長期地感到孤獨(dú)”（這表明，他們?cè)诖蟛糠智逍训臅r(shí)刻里感到被孤立或者與外界缺乏聯(lián)系）。這些數(shù)據(jù)十分驚人。

Alone, but oblivious. These are the men I worry most about. We are not talking about psychological disorders or mental illness. We are talking about the difficulties of being human. We are talking about issues that men rarely acknowledge, talk about or address. But its easy to shrug this off as someone else's problem while living with a vast gap between the social connections one has and what one desires.

孤獨(dú)，但卻毫不察覺。這些男人們是我最擔(dān)憂的。我們不是在說心理失調(diào)或者精神疾病，而是在談?wù)撟鋈说睦щy之處。我們?cè)谡務(wù)撊藗兒苌俅罾?、很少談?wù)摶驊?yīng)對(duì)的問題。人們很容易認(rèn)為自己并不存在這樣的問題，聳聳肩就不在意了，然后繼續(xù)過著離自己期望的社會(huì)人際關(guān)系有著很大差距的生活。

If any of this resonates, don't suffer in silence. Invest in the ultimate investment. Maintaining healthy, close connections to other people. Simple in theory, effortful in practice, and the most valuable, meaningful commodity in the world.

如果這篇文章有什么地方令你產(chǎn)生共鳴，就不要依舊默默忍受孤獨(dú)。對(duì)人際關(guān)系多一些投入吧，和他人保持健康、密切的關(guān)系。理論很簡單，實(shí)踐起來卻需要付出努力，但你所收獲的成果，也是這個(gè)世界上最有價(jià)值、最有意義的。

Joiner, T.E. (2011). Lonely at the Top: The High Costs of Men's Success. Palgrave Macmillan. New York, NY.

Joiner, T.E. (2011). 高處不勝寒：男人成功的高額代價(jià). Palgrave Macmillan出版社. 紐約.

Dr. Todd B. Kashdan is a psychologist and professor of psychology at George Mason University who regularly give keynotes and workshops to business executives, organizations, schools, parents, retirees and health professionals on well-being. He authored "Curious? Discover the Missing Ingredient to a Fulfilling Life" and "Designing Positive Psychology." If you're interested in speaking engagements or workshops related to this topic or others, contact me by going to www.

Todd B. Kashdan 醫(yī)生是喬治梅森大學(xué)的一位心理學(xué)家，教授。他定期為商務(wù)經(jīng)理、各種組織、學(xué)校、父母、退休人員以及健康行業(yè)的工作人員開設(shè)關(guān)于幸福的講習(xí)班。他寫了《好奇嗎？找尋實(shí)現(xiàn)生命丟失的成分》和《養(yǎng)成積極的心理》。如果你對(duì)與這個(gè)話題或者其他話題相關(guān)的口頭交談或講習(xí)班感興趣，可以訪問www.來聯(lián)系我。